Just Me

Posted: January 29, 2013 in grief
Tags: ,

I think it may have started on my way back from Detroit, the night of the ice storms and grounded flights. I sat, shivering underneath my coat, as group after group of passengers disembarked and entered the small plane concourse of A35 in DC. After 6 hours, we finally boarded the aircraft to Knoxville and made it home to a new day of per diem. The next day, I had the worst headache that I’d had in a long time, reminiscent of the migraines I used to get. The only comfort was silence and a darkened room to ease the nausea. But that was nothing compared to the following day.

I think I have the flu. This is the first time that I am sick, sick since Tony died. I have a fever; my body hurts; I’m so cold I can’t get warm. It brings to mind how alone I truly am. I don’t have the “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” partner or even the significant other. If I didn’t call anyone at 5:25 a.m. to support me through the most horrific and painful experience I’ve ever endured until the police absolutely insisted upon it, it’s a certainty that I will not call anyone to bring over some extra blankets because I can’t get warm now. I don’t even know if I would have called Tony to bring me a bowl of soup, but I do know that if he knew I was sick, it would have mattered to him.

My alone-ness is really talking to me right now. Sure, I have all kinds of documents about my final wishes, but all those things have to do with after I’m gone or as I’m leaving this Earth. But what about now? What if I’m not so sick that I’m dying, but I am so sick that I can’t do anything, as I am now, huddled in my bed? It got me to thinking, what happens if I develop a serious, serious, serious disease? To whom will it truly matter, in terms of a deep impact on their lives? This is truly alone.

Someone once said he only has 20-30 years tops left, so he doesn’t care what happens to this world or to society anymore. But that person will leave a legacy for those to whom it will truly matter the most, his children. Oh, to have that.

  1. It matters to me! I know it’s not the same as if Tony were on this earth. I love you. We all think we know what feeling all alone is until we meet someone who has lost a child…………………..someone so gracious and humble someone like you. Love Anne

  2. Debra Reagan says:

    Amparo, You write so beautifully and your posting is so touching. Thank you for opening up your heart to us. Much Love, Debra

  3. Debra says:

    You write beautifully and my heart is aching.

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