He Joined Me Through Song

Posted: February 13, 2013 in grief, music
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on

–Led Zeppelin

Passing through security, I grabbed a tray to put all my belongings in. It was the first time I’d seen song lyrics in the bottom of the plastic bins at the Knoxville airport. It was also my first sign that Tony would make his spirit known to me and comfort me in song through the many moments of sadness that would ebb and flow through out the week even though I was on my way to the Bahamas, on a cruise with my favorite women in the whole world.

And the sadness did come. Almost immediately. As a mother laughed and reminisced about familial childhood memories with her children…as she watched her grandchild provide a tour of his private school with such eloquence and poise…as all of my companions checked in and chatted or texted with their significant others…as I myself saw how the boy had grown taller since I’d seen him last, with a hint of peach fuzz forming on his upper lip, I knew I will never experience such interactions as these. The pain and loneliness that are my constant companions–whether I am alone, in a small group, or in a crowd–were ever present.

The Carnival Sensation was abuzz with activity, as fellow cruisers found their niche entertainment aboard the ship. A live band performed classic rock tunes on the Promenade deck. Their rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” continued my musical journey with Tony that had begun in Knoxville. Later, as we walked by the karaoke club, I heard an amateur singing “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, and it brought me back to the days when I carried him in my womb. On our last day at sea, I lounged poolside on the Lido deck as a Caribbean band played island music. Soon, I heard a Bob Marley tune and saw Tony’s relaxed face and peaceful smile as I closed my eyes.

Back in Florida, we ate burgers at Five Guys, one of our frequent spots when Tony and I would catch a matinee. As we waited for our order, Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” played through the speakers.

We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
Same old fears
Wish you were here
How I wish, how I wish you were here…

With a heavy heart, I so wished there was something, anything, I could do that would change my reality. How I wished Tony were here, but I know it cannot be so. And so my silent cries and inner torment live on within me, even as my heart lifts with each little gem, any sign, that brings me comfort and allows me to feel his spirit within me.

On an early evening walk, I heard the sounds of someone practicing on a drum kit, and I remembered my Funky Drummer crashing down on his cymbals whenever he’d jam on his first kit in the music room before he moved out. On my final walk in Florida, I smiled as I passed a sign nailed to a telephone pole: We Buy Houses. TONY.

I considered that my final shout-out from my baby boy on this week’s vacation trip.

  1. Debra Reagan says:

    I think this is the best one yet. You had me crying and smiling at the same time. Tony will be with you always.

    Love, Debra

  2. Debra Reagan says:

    My heart aches for you and tears flow as I read this, but I am also warmed by the love messages you are receiving. Tony will always be with you. Big love to you.

  3. sassyhupp says:

    … and if you listen very hard, the tune will come to you at last, when one is all and all is one …

    Love …

  4. Anne says:

    I am in tears…….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s