My Diet

Posted: September 16, 2014 in grief
Tags: , , , , , ,

When I think of my diet of positive emotions today, I know the diet is in a healthier state than it was on August 8, 2011, upon learning of the murder of my son. I know that it is in a healthier state than the early days of criminal justice before I knew to contain all the negative emotions of legal battle when I face evil in the eye into a mental lock-box to only be opened on court dates.

I learned to leave the box open at other times was to overwhelm myself with negative emotions on an already supremely difficult journey of grief and healing. Through this journey, I have worked hard to find peace and serenity for my remaining days. I have found spiritual connections with my son through nature, have tried to positively influence other young adults through volunteer activities with the hopes that they not make the same choices my son did, and am trying to find other avenues to give my life new purpose and meaning now that I have to face a different future than what I had envisioned for myself when my son was alive.

But then I ask myself, am I fooling myself about my diet of positive emotions? Is it really a poor diet of negative emotions? My reality is that I don’t want to experience any more emotional pain and hurt in my lifetime, and so I close myself off to a lot of contact with people and definitely on romantic connections. I prefer my own company, the company of my cat, and small doses of human interactions because to do otherwise is to risk more pain in my life. Thus far, this approach has felt like serenity.

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