The Circular Pattern

Posted: December 5, 2012 in grief
Tags: , ,

Leaning against the elevator wall as it ascended to the doctor’s office, I felt the familiar heavy feeling in my heart that I get when I am about to see someone from before. I closed my eyes and steeled myself.

It began with the paperwork the receptionist handed me to update my history. Changes to my health…uh, depression, weight gain. Updates to my emergency contact information…who do I list now? My sadness welled up as I replaced my son’s name with another.

It continued in the doctor’s office. Light conversation about Thanksgiving dinners, crowded malls, and holiday decorations reminded me how personable and friendly my allergist is. Keeping up my end of the conversation became increasingly difficult, as memories of when I brought Tony to this very office for his own allergy testing flooded back.

And it continued when the nurse came in the room.The sadness spilled over as I remembered the last time I had seen her. Life was normal then. I lived in a world where I could believe in the natural order of things. Totally overcome with my grief, I alarmed her with my uncontrollable sobbing. She was convinced someone had hurt me, that something terrible had happened. And she was right.

Just like that, I was back to Day 1 of remembering the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. Once again, I felt the physical pain of my loss. Aligning the days of normalcy when Tony walked these halls with me to the days of chaos that I now walk alone brought me back full circle to the intense grief of the early days.

That is the circular pattern that I live, never knowing what will trigger a comforting thought as easily as a searing pain.

  1. Debra Reagan says:

    Amparo, So beautifully said and so true. It is because of your great love for Tony that now you are filled with such great pain. Thank you for sharing Tony and your journey.
    “I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable of
    and he is taken from me – yet in the agony of my spirit in
    surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer
    than if I had never possessed it.”

    -William Wordsworth

  2. Mavis says:

    So beautifully written, but so terribly heart wrenching.

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